Wednesday, Sept 28th
A tutoring field trip
Final planning and coordinating for the big French themed weekend took place this morning. Cruised through my classes, didn’t go to the cafe for lunch, was in the school office making copies of the weekend’s itinerary to hand out. Brad met me there, and I casually asked him about his romantic life. He told me he doesn’t really have one. He had a girlfriend from home over summer, but they ended it when they came back to school. I asked him who he wants to date here, and he told me in confidence that he thinks sometimes Peyton flirts with him. I was surprised by this, told him they’d be cute together, and that she didn’t have a date for homecoming. Maybe he should think about asking her before someone else does. He said he’d think about it, and that he’s afraid he might be imagining it.
Aiden leans up and says, “So, it’s complicated?”
“Well, yeah, it is. Very complicated.”
“So un-complicate it.”
“How am I supposed to do that?”
“Hmmm, well you can start by bringing your lips and boots to dinner with me tonight. There’s no games, and I just thought maybe we could kick off French week a little early.”
“How are we going to do that?”
“You like French food?”
“There’s this little place not too far from here. I thought we could go. It’s kinda nice.”
“Is this like a date?”
“No, it’s tutoring with food. Or you could call it a tutoring field trip, whichever you prefer.”
“Oh, so nothing special, huh?” I put on a little pout. I kinda do want it to be a date. Is that bad?
He rolls his eyes at me. “Fine. I would like it to be like a date. I just don’t know what complicated means.”
“Well right now it means that he and I don’t know what we are. We’re single though. Like I can go out, date, kiss, whoever I want.”
I don’t like the sound of Dawson dating, kissing, whoever he wants, but technically, he can.
“Yeah, he says he’s not, but he could. The whole it’s complicated thing was his idea. He wants to get back together, but I just can’t. I’m single.”
“I don’t really think you are. You’re still sitting with him at lunch, he wants to go out with you again. Is he like wooing you?”
Which is a very funny thing to call it. And I think back to what I thought about Brooklyn. How I told my mom I wanted a guy who thought I was worth it. Worth the effort. What is Dawson doing besides wooing me into bed? And does that even count as wooing?
“Yes. Is he taking you out? Being sweet, making you fall in love with him?”
I sit there for a second and thing about that.
“If you don’t know the answer to that, the answer is no.”
And that thought stays with me for the rest of the day.
After dance my big sister, Peyton, says, “Hey, Keatyn, come here.”
Usually a sure sign that she’s going to chew me out about something. What did I do now?
“How are you doing?”
“I am really sorry about the whole Dawson thing. I didn’t mean to hurt you, or him. I saw he changed his relationship status. Does that mean you’re giving him another chance?”
I sigh. I’ve been thinking about this all day.
“I don’t know what I’m doing, really. I didn’t expect this to be so complicated. I like him a lot. And last night, we um, sorta maybe did some stuff that made him think things were on the right track.”
“You had sex?”
“I don’t think I can talk to you about this.”
“No. It’s okay. I know it hurt you, but the truth is he and I never really ended things. So we both wondered. And by us hanging out this weekend, it was pretty obvious to both of us that we aren’t really supposed to be together. We just needed that closure. I know he likes you, he says he loves you, says you’re amazing together.”
“I thought we were, but your stupid brother said something to me today that has me wondering. Did Dawson like woo you?”
“Woo me?” (So, this conversation seems really odd here, knowing that it was her fault they broke up. Had to be changed to Whitney.)
“Yeah, like cute little gifts or notes or candy? Did he score points for you and make you dance with him, did he hang lights on his ceiling, give you four leafed clovers, write on a football for you?”
She looks very confused by all this. “Uh, no. He just asked me out one day, and we went to a movie, and we were sorta together ever since. But he was thoughtful and sweet, like he’d bring me breakfast sometimes, and we always had fun when we hung out. And we did stuff, we just, and I honestly shouldn’t even say this.”
“No, tell me.”
“We didn’t have like passion. Like I didn’t feel like you know that strong desire you read about in books. Like Jake, I don’t feel like that about him, so we haven’t done anything really more than make out, but there is someone that every time he talks to me, like makes me kinda swoon.”
She looks cute and embarrassed and whispers, “Brad.”
“Oh my gosh, really? He is so sweet and cute too. Why don’t you go out with him? I know he’s not dating anyone.”
“He hasn’t asked me out. And I’ve been with Jake, mostly to get back at Dawson. Plus he’s only a junior.”
“Have you flirted with him?”
“No, kinda. Okay, so enough about me. Back to wooing. Those things you mentioned. Those are all things my brother has done for you, right?”
“Yeah. He has. And I don’t know how to feel about him. Like one minute he acts like he is in love with me, the next he acts like he hates me. And then he tells me my lips are his bliss and puts bliss candy on my bed and gets my phone out of jail.”
“And how is Dawson wooing you?”
“That’s just it. He’s not. He’s sweet. He’s snuggly, he makes me hot. We have amazing sex. Like it’s amazing. And that’s why it’s now complicated. I can’t resist him, even though I’m still mad at him. I am complicating it. I swore I wouldn’t with him til I got things straight in my mind, but then he starts kissing me, and I just can’t help myself. And the other night when I was kissing Jake, I’m sorry about that. I decided I was going to be a slut, just have fun with boys and not feel anything. But I can’t do that either. It’s just not me. And I’m supposed to go on a sorta date tonight with Aiden, and I’m excited about it, but worried. I’m babbling, I’m sorry, I’m just so unbelievably confused.”
“It’s okay. Boys are confusing. Tell me all this stuff my brother did, I don’t know about all of it.”
So I tell her. Spill my guts, about the lunch, the four leafed clover, the dances, the toast, Keats, Brooklyn, how he was mad at me, tutoring, how I feel when he kisses me, how I feel when he purposely doesn’t kiss me, all of it.”
“Wow. How could you not want to be with him?”
“Because it’s complicated. I thought he was a player at first, so I purposely didn’t let myself like him. But that day, when I say his face in the goal, I swear to you, I fell in love with him. When we were on the ferris wheel and he kissed me, I felt like I’d died and gone to hottie heaven, and when he told me he was going to ask me to marry him at the top of the Eiffel Tower at sunset someday, it was like too amazing to believe.”
“Top of the Eiffel Tower, sunset was his idea?”
“Wow. You kinda seem like you already know who you like. Maybe love.”
“I’m trying to fight it. My last two experiences with love have kinda been letdowns.”
“Yeah, but you have to keep trying until you get it right.” She hugs me and says, “We’re kinda pathetic, huh? So what are you wearing to dinner tonight? The place he is taking you is like kinda fancy. He’ll probably wear a suit.”
“Wanna come help me pick out a dress?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
And I’m thinking maybe her and I can be friends. Seems like we’ve both been pulling the short straw out of the barrel of love. Also, I HAVE to talk to Brad.
While I’m getting ready, Dawson texts me.
“Oh shit,” Peyton says, looking at my phone. It’s Dawes. He wants you to meet him for dinner.”
“What do you think of this one?” I ask her. Coming out in another dress option.
“That’s the one,” she says. “It looks romantic.”
“This is what I was going to wear Saturday night. For the picnic and movie.” It’s a cream strapless dress, layered over the basic cream silk is cream colored chiffon with little silk flowers sewn to it. Its very simple, but the detailing on the dress is amazing. It’s tied at the waist with a simple black ribbon. With it I wear bright fuchsia pumps, a fuchsia enameled bracelet and carry a black clutch.
“You should wear it tonight. It’s kinda Audrey Hepburn looking. Very romantic. And definitely the black feather earrings. Makes it look tres chic.” She grins at me. “So what are you going to say to Dawes?”
“The truth. One thing about Dawson and I, we have been brutally honest with each other.”
Me: I can’t. I’m going out for dinner.
Dawson: With who?
Me: Aiden. We’re combining tutoring with some french food tonight. We have been studying food words and cuisine related things.
Dawson: I think Aiden likes you, and it sounds like a date.
Me: It’s tutoring with food. And remember, I’m single. I can go on dates. You can too if you want.
Dawson: I only want to date you.
Me: Someone asked me today what you are doing to try and woo me back. To make me forgive you, make me fall in love with you. Do you think you’re wooing me?
Dawson: I’m pretty sure I wooed you last night.
Me: Sex is not wooing.
Dawson: Oh 🙁
Me: Yeah. Please think about whether I’m really even what you want. I know sex is good, and we have a nice friendship. I just don’t know if you like me enough to woo me. Cuz I haven’t really seen it.
Dawson: So you’re gonna date me and Aiden?
Me: Well, a little competition never hurts.
Dawson: I hate you right now.
Me: And I love your honesty. If it’s any consolation, I have hated you quite a bit recently too. But still, I love you. I just don’t know if it’s enough. It’s up to you. (This part, I want to shake Keatyn. A lot of this stuff ended up in Love Me, and that was such a tough book to write. I seriously wanted to wring Keatyn’s neck and smack some sense into her. How could she not see how awesome Aiden is? But at the same time, I understand. She wants to make it work with Dawson. And sometimes you choose the easy route in life. Aiden isn’t going to be easy. He’s going to question her, make her think, push her. In good ways, ultimately, but she doesn’t know that now. In fact, she thinks he just wants to be her friend. Because that’s what he keeps telling her.)
I can’t believe you googled me!
Aiden texts me at 6:30, saying he’s downstairs.
I walk down the big staircase, and he’s watching me. I feel like I’m making a grand entrance at a ball or something. Now presenting, Miss Keatyn Elizabeth Monroe. I just need a little dude standing here with a trumpet.
Aiden is wearing a suit. This one is charcoal grey with skinny chalk colored pinstripes. He’s wearing a pale pink dress shirt with a white french collar and cuffs. Very appropriate. And looks so very handsome. I know I go on and on about his appearance, but I can’t even say much more. He looks perfect. Like a dream. When I get to the bottom of the stairs, he walks toward me, grabs my hand and says, “Vous êtes belle, mademoiselle.”
“You look pretty handsome yourself.” And then I notice his tie. It’s pink and has little black Eiffel Towers sketched all over it. “We going a little overboard on this whole Paris theme?” I ask him, pointing at the tie.
He chuckles, “Believe it or not, I got this tie as a gag gift. This was my family’s way of giving me shit because I barely passed french. Like I got a 70.2 as my grade. I told you. Fate. Come on.”
We sign out, and then he leads me to his car. Uh, his car is just as gorgeous as he is. Okay, maybe not, but the car fits him.
“Is this your car?” I ask, stupidly.
“Yeah, do you like it?” And it was just a simple question. Not a brag, not a hell yeah, I’m hot, and my car is amazing, like a lot of guys would.
“I do. But it’s hard not to like Maserati. This is the GTS, right?”
“How do you know that? Most girls don’t know cars.”
“My step dad has one. He likes exotic cars.”
“My dad does too. Guess we have something in common.” He walks me around to the passenger side, opens the door, and lets me in.
No boy has ever done that for me before. Really, no boy has ever taken me on a real date before, now that I think about it. Like Dawson and I went to dinner a couple times, and he has excellent manners, but he never opened the door to his BMW for me.
He walks around and gets in the car next to me.
“So tell me about your parents. What do they do?”
“Well, my dad started a small tech firm when I was younger. They wrote a lot of the software for internet search engines. He sold the company about six years ago. Did well. Mom does a lot of volunteer work, and they travel a lot. Something they had always both wanted to do, but dad worked long hours, and they didn’t do it as much as they wanted to. Now they are enjoying his hard work.”
“That’s cool. So um, do you want to hear about my parents?” I think I want to actually tell him.
“I already know who your parents are, Boots.” He grins at me.
“It’s not that hard, silly. I googled you, you came up. Plus, you look a lot like your mom. Although I saw a photo of your dad, and you have his eyes. Like he had that same cool purplish color eye. It’s unusual. I’m sorry about him, by the way. Your mom and Tommy seem happy though. And your little sisters are adorable.”
“I can’t believe you didn’t say anything. That’s usually all people want to talk about when they know.” Then I stop and think. “I can’t believe you GOOGLED me! When did you do that?”
He reaches over, grabs my hand out of my lap and holds it on the stick shift under his. “This past weekend. When you went to Vancouver. I might be slightly obsessed with you.”
And I might be slightly obsessed about the way his hand feels on top of mine. The way he presses down on it slightly when he shifts. It’s like he’s in control. And for some strange and very surprising reason, I find this very comforting. No, comforting isn’t the right word. I feel, like he’s taking care of me, kinda, like the old fashioned version of how a man is supposed to be. It’s like with Brook and Dawes I felt like I had to drive the relationship in a way. I had to know where it was going. With Aiden I have this wonderful sense of powerlessness. It’s kinda thrilling.
“So what do you think about that? Does it freak you out or anything?”
“Uh, no. Why would it?”
I shrug my shoulders. “I don’t know. Some people just kinda do. So, uh, your sister and I had a good talk today. She even helped me figure out what to wear tonight.”
He looks happily surprised. “Really? How did that happen?”
“We started talking after dance about Dawson and the whole it’s complicated. And then we talked about wooing. What you said made me think.”
“And what did you come up with?”
“So far, Dawson is not wooing me. He’s also not thrilled about our field trip tonight.”
“You told him we were on a field trip?”
I laugh, “Naw, I told him it was tutoring with food at a remote location.”
“So you lied?”
“That technically would not be a lie. And no, I didn’t. I told him it was a date. It seems like it’s a date.”
He downshifts, stops at a light, looks over at me, pulls my hand up to his mouth and kisses it.
Then he pushes it back on the stick shift, revs the motor, slams through the gears. And I must admit, it revved up my own motor.
“You’re driving too fast.” I say as he slams the gears again, making the car purr.
“I know. It’s fun, huh?”
Okay, so I have to gush. OH. MY. GOSH. Is he SEXXXXYYYY or what? Him, the suit, the tie, the car, the adrenaline rush, the google search, all of it.
He is, well, he’s the God of all Hotties, for sure. (Yes, he is!)
We get to the restaurant, and he opens my car door, opens the restaurant door, pulls out my chair for me. He is quite chivalrous. But then they hand him a menu written in french. French is like his Achilles heel. His one weakness. And it’s adorable if you ask me. Plus it’s good to know he has at least one weakness.
“I like that you suck at french,” I tell him.
He slides his chair over closer to mine, and he tries to read the menu to me. And he doesn’t do half bad. We figure out what we want, and he attempts to order. And I maybe had to correct him a few times, but he did good. And it was adorable that he ordered for both of us. As Grandpa would say, His Momma done raised him right.
Damn, did she ever.
The waiter takes our menus away. Aiden holds my hand and gazes into my eyes. I’ve never felt so important or like what I had to say was so important. Like you know how lots of times you’re talking to a guy and his eyes are looking everywhere but at you? Then they will glance back at your face, to verify that you are still talking, then they look down and stare at your boobs, to verify that they are still intact. And then their eyes sort of get that dazed look, and they continue to stare at your boobs, and you want to scream, Uh, hello, I’m speaking with my mouth, not my cleavage, you wanna just occasionally glance up?
Aiden’s not doing that. I have his full attention.
And he sure freaking has mine.
I also realize that his pull on me is not as shocking. Like when you go stay up in the mountains, and you get acclimated to the altitude. I’m sort of being acclimated to his magnetism. Like I’m not quite as tongue tied, I’m able to think more clearly.
He flashes his smile at me. “Why are you glad I suck at french?
“It makes you more human,” I stupidly say. Oh jeeze, I’m an idiot. “I mean, uh, I wouldn’t have gotten to come here for dinner if you, um, didn’t, right?”
Clearly the air is still thin here at the top. It’s affecting my brain. (LOL)
He reaches out, pushes my hair behind my ear, like he’s done it a million times, “I just now noticed your earrings. The feathers are very cool.”
“Thanks. You look quite handsome tonight yourself. You look extremely good in a suit. And whoever tailors them for you is also quite talented. It fits you meticulously.”
“It’s cool you notice that. And I wanted to look nice for you. So I know you and Dawson are complicated, but what about Dallas? You were kissing him in the video.”
“Dallas and I are very not complicated. We’re friends. We smoke together sometimes, and then we kiss. It’s no big deal.”
“When we go out, there will be none of that.”
“We’re not gonna go out.”
“You can’t fight fate.”
“I can give it my best shot.”
He runs his thumb across the palm of my hand, and I shiver. “You’re silly. Pretty soon you won’t be able to resist me.” (Who can resist a hottie god?)
The waiter sets down our appetizers. A traditional French onion soup along with sautéed escargot served in a mushroom and red wine sauce.
“It’s too bad we don’t have a nice Bordeaux to go with this. When we go to your house in France, we are drinking wine with every meal.”
“Have you ever been to France?”
“No, but I’ve traveled some. Do you like to travel? I love it.”
“Yeah, I do. I like to see the different cultures, experience the foods, see the sites, the countryside. Where have you been?”
“Italy, Germany, England, then like Hawaii, Mexico, Florida, the Caymans, St. Kitts and St. Barts.”
“What did you think of St. Kitts?”
“It’s like paradise. I would love to go back. My parents are on this thing where they don’t want to go back to the same place until they have been everywhere or something. But I would love to go there and just relax.”
“I could maybe arrange that.” I can’t help it, I’m smiling big.
“Oh and how you going to do that?”
“We have a place there.”
“Okay, so this is way out of left field. No, never mind. Um, so are you excited for this weekend?”
He holds a spoonful of soup up to my mouth. I drink the soup off the spoon.
“Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“What you just did. You were going to tell me something. Something that you were excited about, but then you like got scared to.”
I soak an escargot in wine sauce and eat it. It’s really good.
“This is all really good,” I tell him.
“What, can you like read my mind?”
“No, but I sure wish I could. I would love to know what you’re thinking. Tell me.”
I bob my head around like an idiot, trying to think up a lie. But there’s none in my brain.
“My family is going to be in Europe over Thanksgiving, Tommy has movie premieres he has to do, and they wanted me to come over to France, but we aren’t off school all that long, so I don’t know if I will go, but I may still go, I haven’t decided. But he told me I should go down there. Like I could take friends or something if I wanted to. Maybe your family might like to go or something? Or do you have a big traditional Thanksgiving with your extended family?”
“Well, we usually go to my grandma’s for dinner and then watch football. But hmmm, let me talk to my parents about it. Why didn’t you want to tell me?” (Cut part, too.)
“Um, well it’s like two months away, and who knows if we’ll even still be friends by then.”
“Boots, we’re gonna be way more than friends by then.”
“You seem so sure when you say stuff like that. It freaks me out a bit.”
“Yeah, well it freaks me out a bit too. I mean, jeeze, look at your track record.”
The smile runs off my face. I put my head down and stare at the table cloth. I can’t believe he just said that.
He moves his head closer to mine. Touches my forehead with his. I look up, and he bats those eyes and grins at me. “You know I’m just teasing you. Come here.”
I don’t move. So he puts his hand under my chin, pushing it up, straight to his waiting lips.
Once again his kiss is so simple, so chaste, just our lips touching, barely moving, and then he cruelly pulls those perfect lips away from me.
I smile at him, curl my lip up.
“I’d really like to know what you’re thinking right about now.”
“I’m thinking no one has ever kissed me the way you do.” I answer honestly. (Finally, she admits it to him!)
He stares at me for a few beats of my heart, then says, “So you excited for this french weekend? You do realize that since we are on the social committee together, that we have an obligation to be together the entire weekend and make sure that everything is going as planned?”
I squint my eyes at him, trying to gauge if he’s joking. He looks quite serious.
“I didn’t know that.”
“Oh yes, I had it written into the bylaws, so Friday night we have to wander the streets of Paris, hand in hand, like lovers. We have to sit at the cafe table outside, kiss and drink coffee. We have to be teammates for lawn bowling, and then I have a special picnic planned for while we watch the movie.”
“And the holding hands and kissing, that’s just us trying to create a Parisian ambiance?”
“Oh, no. That will be because you want to.”
“I want to? No. You want to.”
“What makes you think that?”
My response is interrupted by the waiter bring our entrees. It smells heavenly. He went a little cheesy romantic on the entree, ordered us chateaubriand for two. It’s served with a béarnaise sauce and roasted potatoes.
He cuts into it, feeds me the first rich morsel. “Because you are wooing me.” I tell him after I finish chewing.
“Me? Naw.” He grins, “What was your first clue?”
“Honestly, the way things have gone between us, like so up and down, like one minute you pulled the she loves me petal off and the next she loves me not. But not until I was talking to your sister today. We were talking about wooing, and I realized all that you’ve done.”
“I like it.”
“More than the chocolate mousse we ordered for dessert?”
“Hmmm, that might be a tough choice,” I tease.
We finish dinner, get back in his car. He leans in toward me, pushes my hair back behind my ear and says, “I want this feather. Can I take it off?” (The feather scene is one of my favorites. Also, do you know how hard it is to come up with scenes that are highly sensual like this without having them have actual sex? Heck, he hasn’t even kissed her with his tongue yet!)
I’m sort of puzzled by this request, but I say, “Uh sure.”
He glides the hook out of my ear.
He runs his finger across it, says, “It’s soft.”
He looks at me with half lidded eyes, sexxxxy sexxxy bedroom type eyes. Then he takes the feather and runs it down my arm.
“Mmhmm,” I groan slightly.
He pushes my hair from one side of my neck to the other, so my neck and shoulders are fully exposed on the side closest to him. Then he runs the feather down my neck and across my shoulder.
It may be the sexiest thing anyone has ever done to me.
My dress is strapless, and when he runs the feather across the top of my cleavage, I decide it is indeed the sexiest thing anyone has ever done to me.
How does he come up with this shit?
His mother is Aphrodite, that’s how. Durrr.
I lean my head back into the headrest and close my eyes. Just feel the feather gliding across my skin, leaving me with goosebumps everywhere. He glides it up on my face, across my eyelids.
I swear, I’m taking this feather home and having it bronzed.
He runs it across my lips.
Although having it dipped in gold would probably be more godlike. (LOVE!)
And then I feel him lean in closer to me, and his lips replace the feather.
I run my fingers into his hair at the nape of his neck, and finally he kisses me more deeply.
It’s a tongues touch, then caress, then suck kind of kiss.
Who was it that said we need to come up with another word besides amazing?
Oh, I forget.
He had his hands in my hair, and now he’s running them across my shoulders, and oh, he is kissing down my neck and leaving me breathless. His fingers move slowly across the front of my dress, and then I feel one single finger making a line across the top of my dress, just under the dress, on my skin. It starts over by my shoulder, runs across the top of one boob, down into my cleavage, back up and across the other side. I’m leaned back in the seat, my eyes closed, enjoying every single touch. Smiling. Sighing little contented sighs. He grabs my chin and turns my head toward him.
I half open my eyes.
Did I mention that I am in love with this boy? One hundred percent completely stupidly in love with him? (No, you didn’t, but we know.)
Gaze into his eyes and kiss him. Eventually he has to stop kissing me and drive us back to school.
We are lazily wandering back up toward my dorm, hand in hand,when I hear a voice say, “Keatie?”
It’s Dawson. Sitting on the steps in front of the dorm, waiting for me.
I drop Aiden’s hand. Freeze.
“Uh, hey, Dawson. Uh, what’s up?”
Aiden grabs my hand back in his, says, “Hey, tonight was great. Don’t forget our meeting at seven.” Then he leans in, kisses me on the cheek, walks away.
Dawson says, “So how was your date? You’re both pretty dressed up.”
“Dinner was good. Aiden was able to read most of the menu, well parts of it anyways and it was nice. How was your night? What’d you do?”
He grabs my waist like he always does and pulls me in toward him. And you would think that after the feather and the amazing kissing that my body would not respond to this. But it does. My hips slide in towards his. But I can’t kiss him. I pray he doesn’t try to kiss me.
“Complained to Bryce the entire time you were gone. He finally told me to shut the fuck up. So I came out here to wait for you.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, so I have to get in there. Sign in.”
I give him a hug and say, “Just text me, we can talk.”
No, we are both ah-mazing.
Laying in my bed, just finished telling Katie all about my night. I touch my lips with my finger. Close my eyes, can feel the feather running across me. It’s really amazing….okay. Hang on.
I grab my Mac. I sound like a group of 12 year olds at the mall. This skirt is ah-mazing. You look amazing, No, we are both ah-mazing.
Time for a new word. Amazing is so overused.
Okay, so here are some options: astonishing, awesome, fascinating, incredible, marvelous, prodigious, shocking, stunning, surprising, unbelievable, wonderful, extraordinary, rare, something hard to put into words, makes your heart beat faster.
Okay so tonight with Aiden was extraordinarily, unbelievably wonderful.
My phone buzzes.
Hottie God: Hey 🙂
Me: Hey 🙂 Tonight was wonderful. I enjoyed it.
Hottie God: Didn’t quite end the way I wanted it to.
Me: Yeah, I was shocked to see Dawson sitting there. Sorry about that.
Hottie God: Omg, just tell me.
Me: Tell you what?
Hottie God: Did you kiss him?
Me: I did not. I hugged him. Told him I had to get inside. Told him to text me. He hasn’t.
Hottie God: I still have your earring.
Me: I need it back.
Hottie God: Why?
Me: I’m thinking of having it bronzed.
Hottie God: Does that mean you liked?
Me: Did I look like I liked it?
Hottie God: It’s not sex.
Me: Did I look like I liked it?
Hottie God: You looked like you loved it.
Me: I did.
Hottie God: Night, Boots 🙂
Dawson: You’re killing me.
Me: You killed me first. (LOL!)
Dawson: Do you like him? Did you kiss him? Did you have sex with him?
Me: I do. I did. I did not. And I can’t believe you would think I would.
Dawson: I’m feeling uncontrollably jealous.
Me: Why were you waiting for me? What did you want?
Dawson: To talk.
Me: So talk.
Dawson: This sucks.
Me: Yeah it does. What you did sucked. I was very happy with you.
Dawson: Do you want to be wood? (I like it better in the final version when he asks if she wants wood. And her response.)
Dawson: Woo-ed or be woo’d
Me: I want a boyfriend that thinks I am worth some effort. Aiden opened the car door for me tonight. It was a simple gesture, but spoke volumes. He’s the only boy that has ever opened a car door for me that wasn’t getting paid to do it.
Dawson: I can do romantic.
Me: I’m going to sleep now. Night, Dawes.
Dawson: No heart?
One am and my phone is buzzing. It wakes me up.
I text him back…saying Cave?? He says, Now.
So I throw on some sweats, a big sweatshirt, uggs and sneak out.
Dallas has our blanket spread out and is laying across it.
“So how’d the big date go?”
“It was good. He’s very romantic, very much a gentleman. It’s refreshing.”
“Dawson’s not a gentleman?”
“I think Dawes and I have never been on a real date. We’ve like hung out, he took me for burgers one time and that was fun, but it’s always just been lets hangout.”
“So….you’re complicated. What does that mean exactly?”
“It means I have no idea what to do.”
“Maybe Dallas can help with that confusion.”
And he kisses me.
Kissing Dallas is so different than kissing Aiden or Dawson.
Yeah, I know.
But I really do not need a lecture right now. I KNOW I shouldn’t kiss him. But as he reminded me when I mentioned that in between kisses, I’m single. I can kiss whoever I want.
So back to kissing Dallas. Kissing Dallas is like comforting. He’s like the stuffed bunny I used to drag around by it’s ear when I was three and wouldn’t go to sleep without. He wraps his arms around me, and I lose myself in his kisses.
And I swear, my lips have lost their sense of decency.
Thursday, September 29th
Kissing you is like a vacation.
This morning. Student Council meeting, missed first period for a social committee meeting with the dean for the final countdown, find Dallas walking to our english class.
“So I decided kissing you is like doing yoga or meditating.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s good, therapeutic. You don’t confuse me. Like kissing you is relaxing. I don’t think when I kiss you. You don’t ever try anything.”
Then I look at him, puzzled. “Why don’t you try anything?”
“Because I know.”
“Look, you’re my friend. You’re gonna go through a lot of boys during your four years here. I’m the guy thats gonna be here because he cares about you. Boys are going to come and go. I’m always gonna be here. You, me, our special place. You make me relax too. I told you, it’s like my get away. Kissing you is like a vacation from school.”
I stop and give him a big hug. “I’m so glad it was you I sat next to.”
“Me too, Kiki.”
Riley comes sauntering up. “I need one of those too.”
So Dallas gives him a big hug.
“Uh, not really what I was looking for, dude.”
We all laugh. Riley wraps his arm around me and pulls me into a hug. I lean the top of my head into his chest, and he kisses it. “Come to our game tonight. I know the weather sucks, but we need people cheering for us. Also, the three of us, we need a date night. Like just us, go to the cave or hangout this weekend.”
“It’s French weekend. We have stuff going on both nights.”
“Saturday morning then, we’ll go sit in Dallas’s room and talk. K?”
“It’s a date. How would I get to the game?”
“I’m sure my brother would be happy to drive you. Just tell him you want to go.”
We can be miserable together.
Aiden is no where to be found. I’m sure he’s doing social committee stuff too. For a fun idea, this has been a lot of work. I hope it goes over well.
I’m in line, and Dawson comes up and grabs me around my waist. It’s so familiar feeling. It makes me smile.
“Come sit with me.”
So I get some lunch and then go sit down next to him, Riley, Dallas, Ace, Bryce, and Jake. They are discussing the JV game tonight.
“So we’re thinking about going to the JV game.”
“That’s cool.” I say.
Dawson rest his hand on my leg, turns toward me, “Would you like to go with me? We can get some dinner on the way, and then go sit in the rain and be miserable together?”
“Wow, when you put it that way, how can I refuse?” I smile at him.
“I love you, Keatie.”
And I know I should feel all warm and fuzzy when he says that, but right now, it just sort of feels inappropriate.
Aiden drops his back pack down on my desk. I see that attached to the zipper is my feather earring.
I touch it. “I take it I’m not getting this back?”
“Naw, I might want to use it again.”
“I see, so you’ve been MIA all day. What have you been up to?”
“Working on a special project for our dorm. We’re building something. It’s one of those things that is turning out to be more work than we planned. But all the sophomores in our dorm are the ones working on it. And I think it’s going to turn out pretty cool.” He laughs. “Or really lame. Hard to tell at this point.”
“I think I’m coming to your away game tonight.”
“Really? That’s cool…” Then he stops. “With Dawson?”
“Well yeah, but him and a bunch of the varsity guys.”
“I heard you were out last night. The cave.”
“How did you hear that?”
“Dallas said something to Riley about it, and I overheard. Sorry, I’m not stalking you or anything.”
And I think about Dawson, how cute he is when he stalks me. Meeting me after classes, how adorably handsome he looks and how it makes me feel when I walk out of my dorm and see him sitting there on the brick wall. Maybe he just has a different kind of wooing.
“Okay.” I say, not sure where this is going.
“So you kiss him?”
“Dallas? Did you get high and kiss?”
“We didn’t get high, but yeah, we did.”
He locks his teeth together. Looks mad.
Annie comes rushing in, slides herself quickly into her desk. “Oh, I thought I was going to be late. What’d I miss?”
From behind me Aiden says, “Nothing good.”
Shit. He is mad at me.
Are you effing me?
I’m in the car with Dawson. He decided that he’s going to romance me, I guess, so we’re alone in the car. Dawson has a sweet car, bad ass BMW, modified with all sorts of special body molding and aftermarket customization. He’s got the radio turned up, his hand on my knee. We turn out onto the highway, and he turns down the radio.
“So, we’re alone. We’re out on the highway. Anything come to mind?”
And I’m thinking and well, no, nothing comes to mind.
“I’m driving, you maybe want to do something fun to me? Something a little naughty?”
Then I get it. He wants road head. Are you effing me?
“Sure why not,” I say. “That sounds very romantic.” And I sigh, look at the passenger side window, and fight back tears. But I don’t win the fight. I turn and face Dawson and say, “Hey, I don’t feel well, take me back to school please.”
He sees my tears, “What’s wrong, why are you crying? Oh, I was just joking.”
“No you weren’t. You didn’t open the door for me. You didn’t make any plans for tonight. And your idea of romance is asking me to blow you while you drive. We’re done, Dawson. This isn’t gonna work. I deserve more than this.”
He lets out a big sigh, puts his hand up to his face, pulls off the side of the road, turns to me. “Keatie, I was just joking. Can we not joke anymore? Have fun? We had sex the other night. It was amazing, like always.”
“I’m sorry. That was my fault. You make me want you, Dawes. But I shouldn’t of. It’s not fair to you.”
“How is it not fair to me?”
“It makes you feel like you have an advantage. I’m sleeping with her, she’s mine. It’s giving you the wrong impression. It makes you think things are okay with our relationship when they’re not.”
“I’ve done stuff for you. The necklace, the cake.”
“It’s not about buying me stuff. We just never dated. And that’s not your fault. I never gave you the chance to woo me. I was upset about Brooklyn, came to your place, and you made me feel amazing at a time I was feeling really bad about myself. I slept with you way too soon. And the boom, we were together. And then you were telling me you loved me, and we’re going to meet my parents, and then Boom, we’re done. Then I couldn’t resist you the other night. I do love you. I want to feel close to you. But I want to feel close to you in ways other than just sex. I don’t think we should have sex for awhile. Does that make any sense?”
“I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know. I don’t want to hurt you either.”
“I hate the thought of you kissing anyone else.” Then he kisses me. Sweet, I’m sorry kisses. All mixed up with my tears. As usual with our kisses, they quickly turn from sweet to full of desire. He pushes his seat back, pulls me over, so I’m on his lap.
Pretty soon I’m doing exactly what I just told him I wouldn’t do.
And it feels amazing. (Oh, this scene made me cringe to write. I have to say. But she is so torn. And just . . . I don’t even know. When I was writing it, I was ready for her to just be with Aiden already, but dang Dawson kept being all sexy.)
“Just so you know, I’m taking you to a cool little place for dinner tonight. I am planning to woo you, and not just with sex.”
“Really?” And I start crying again.
“Why does that make you cry?”
I sniffle, cry through the words, “Because it means I don’t have to feel bad for what we just did.”
“And you feel bad? How can you feel bad about something that feels so good?”
God, I wish it was that simple.
Should it be that simple?
“Because it’s not that simple.”
“How much simpler can it get, Keatie? I love you. We have sex. Amazing, like mind blowingly good sex. I love to hang out with you. I’m sorry if it seems like all we do is hang out, but I just feel so good, so comfortable with you, that I haven’t made a big deal of going out on dates. But I’m not going to lose you. I’m serious. If that means I have to pull out the big guns and fight for you, that’s what I’ll do.
I shake my head, dry my tears and feel so much better.
He drives a bit further and takes me to a place that seriously looks like a hole in the wall. The outside is rundown, needs painting, needs a new sign. But I notice the parking lot is packed with cars. It’s a casual mexican restaurant and there is a long line of people waiting to get in, but Dawson walks up to the front, says a few words, shakes the guy’s hand and motions for me to follow him. The guy leads us through the restaurant and then out a sliding glass door.
I now see why the place is so packed. There is a huge courtyard under a glass roof. The glass roof is sparkling clean, and you can see the colors of the sky, clouds floating by as the sun turns them various shades of pink. There’s little twinkle lights everywhere. On the ceiling, in the huge potted trees. We are seated at a table that is set between a couple trees and has a feeling of seclusion. Dawson pulls out my chair for me and grins at me as I sit down.
“This place is very cool. How did you ever find it?”
“I wanted to take you somewhere special. I’ve been looking up restaurants all afternoon.”
I lean over and kiss him. “Thank you.”
He grins, “We’re not done yet.”
He orders us chips and queso, and we happily talk and munch. He tells me about how his little brother just got caught sneaking a girl into his room at midnight, how he is very grounded, but his dad is secretly proud.
Sexiness runs in family, I think.
Some men playing mexican music stroll up to us and start serenading us. I’m always embarrassed my this, but Dawson loves it. He smiles and then stands up and puts out his hand for me to join him. I take his hand, and he pulls me into his arms to dance with him.
We got to the game a bit late. The second quarter had just started, and we were down by a touchdown. It started to sprinkle rain. The rain got harder, the field got muddier, Dawson held me tighter. Pretty soon it’s the end of the game, the score tied, there’s only a few ticks left on the clock. We were at the 26 yard line, and Coach sent Aiden in to kick a field goal for the win.
He walked out onto the field, looked at the goal post, stopped, and looked at me. Then he did a complicated looking thing with his hands. His thumbs and pointer fingers formed touching double o’s, then the rest of his fingers formed sort of a bridge above the o’s. Sort of like you would make a heart with your hands, but I have no idea what this would be. He took a few sideways steps, the ball was snapped, Logan lined up the laces, and he kicked it straight through the goal posts. (This is adorable.)
The guys all went rushing out on the field to congratulate him, and we all cheered.
I’m laying on my bed trying to mimic what he did with his hands. When all of a sudden, I see it. I’m pretty sure he was making a four leafed clover.
My phone buzzes:
Hottie God: You need to sneak out and congratulate me.
Me: That thing you did, before you kicked it. Was that a four leafed clover?
Hottie God: The cave. In an hour.
This is crazy. I had an amazing night with Dawson. I really shouldn’t go. (But she does.)
Take off your pants.
But I do.
It’s stopped raining, but is hazy and chilly. I trudge back through the trees, getting my boots covered with mud. Aiden isn’t here yet. And I wonder about fate.
Is it fate he’s not here?
I sit on a damp stump, feel the back of my sweats and my thong get wet.
Is there anything worse really than a damp ass?
This is not very romantic.
I hear the brush moving, and it sounds like someone is coming. I get a momentary rush of worry about getting caught out here after curfew.
But the tree limbs part, and Aiden walks into the clearing. He’s carrying a rolled up sleeping bag.
“No way I’m sleeping outside in this weather,” I tease.
“The backing is waterproof. So we won’t get wet when we sit down.”
“Too late for that.” I turn around and show him my wet backside.
“There’s nothing worse than a damp ass,” he says. Which are the exact words I just thought a few seconds ago.
The fates are so toying with me. (Eek! This scene excites me. One of my favorites of all. The best kiss of her entire life. Sorry, keep reading…)
He spreads out the sleeping bag, with the shiny side down, then starts taking his sweatpants off.
Uh, holy shit. What is this?
I watch though. He has THE best legs at school. They have just enough light blonde hair to be masculine, but not enough to be hairy. Dawson is dark, his lean toward the more hairy looking side. Although he does shave everything else, thankfully.
“What are you doing?” I say stupidly.
“Take off your pants,” he replies.
“Isn’t this moving a little fast? I mean we’ve barely made out.”
He laughs and shakes his head at me. “Silly, Boots, I was going to let you wear my sweats. See, I have athletic shorts underneath.”
“Oh, um, I…”
“What? It’s not that big of a deal.”
“My underwear are wet too.”
He licks his lip and grins at me. Laughs. He’s never made this facial gesture in front of me. And the combination of his mouth and tongue both looking at me at the same time. I can’t even tell you what it does. It’s like my stomach flips, like I was on a roller coaster, and we just flipped upside down going 75 mph.
You had sex with Dawson tonight, you idiot. Thought he was the one.
What is wrong with me?
I need off this ride and fast. Have you ever been on a roller coaster, upside down and all of a sudden it feels like maybe your seatbelt, that little piece of webbed material, isn’t quite as tight as it should be? And you feel yourself slide a fraction of an inch, and you wait to fall to your death before it tightens up again?
I feel like I’m ready to fall out of the roller coaster.
Plummet to my death.
And I briefly think what would my heaven be? When my dad died, Mom explained heaven as this amazing place where Daddy was living his best days over and over. Like the day we got ice cream and rode the ferris wheel. When we would walk along the beach, the three of us, holding hands.
And my mind flashes to Aiden, after our dinner, gliding a feather all over me. That is my idea of heaven. Not sex on the side of the road. (Which should tell you something?)
Hell, with the way I have been behaving, they would probably bar the gates of heaven when I walked up to them. Like the big security bouncers I saw at the Sundance film festival. “Sorry, you’re not on the list.”
“You can take them off too. I won’t look,” Aiden says, referring to my wet undies.
So I do. And sadly, he doesn’t even attempt to sneak a peek. He hands me his warm sweats, and I slide them on. And I say what’s on my mind before I think better. “Have you ever been naked in these sweats?”
He pulls me onto the sleeping bag with him and kisses me in response.
Pretty soon we’re kissing passionately. The first time he’s felt like a normal boy.
Like a normal horny boy.
He stops, leans up on one arm, “So you figured it out, huh?”
And I want to say, That you are a god, yes. I know.
He makes half the symbol with his fingers. It looks incomplete. I mirror it with my hand and hold it up to his. And when our fingers touch, I swear to God in heaven, a spark of lightening shot from my hand to his.
“A four leaf clover,” I say, breathlessly. “Well sorta.”
He rolls up on top of me, straddling me. It was an effortless move.
I look at him, my eyes wide. “Use both your hands, make the double o’s.”
So I do. Then he puts one hand on each side of mine and forms two more o’s. And now it does look like a four leaf clover.
“That does look like a clover,” I tell him. (I just gotta know. You were doing this with your hands and trying to make it while you were reading this the first time, weren’t you? It’s okay. I do it, too.)
“It’s going to take both of us together to make this work.” he says wisely. “I heard Dawson was taking you on an actual date thing tonight, before the game.”
“Yeah, he says he’s going to fight for me.”
“Doesn’t matter,” Aiden says, still forming the clover, “I’m going to win.”
“It sorta looks like our hands are having sex,” I laugh, “like the way they are joined together, kinda…. uh, never mind.”
“Lets talk about sex.”
Just him saying sex almost leaves me more breathless than actual sex with Dawson.
He leans down, his mouth about twelve inches from mine. “We’re going to take things slow.”
“I want to take things slow. Like if you were just hoping for sex from me, you should probably halt the wooing process.”
“Does that mean you also won’t be having sex with anyone else during the wooing process?”
“Um, I’m not sure. I want to say no, but I’m having kind of a hard time with that.”
“So that’s why I’m not winning right now? If we had sex, would I win?”
I let out a little laugh, “I don’t know, you think it would be any good?”
He runs his finger gently down my neck. “What do you think?”
I swallow hard. “God, don’t do that to me. I screwed up with Dawson. I slept with him too soon, but it’s good. Really good. Frustratingly good.”
He starts to get off me. I grab his hands. “I really don’t want to hear this,” he tells me.
“You need to hear it. I think I have been convinced that because the sex is good, that our relationship is good. I mean he’s trying. We had a nice, romantic dinner tonight. I thought I could handle going fast with the sex part of the relationship and slow with the feelings part of the relationship, but I can’t. It’s all messed up. I’m just saying, I’m not having sex with anyone again, well anyone new, until I know they are worth it. You’re going to have to wait for a while. Probably a long while.”
He leans down closer to my face.
“I’d wait for you forever. You don’t get it do you?”
“When I said I wanna ask you to marry me, I wasn’t joking. Were going to be together for a long time. There’s no need to rush things when you know that.” (Awwwwwwww!!!)
“Do you know how weird it is for a guy to say that? Guys hate commitment.”
“I told you, I saw you, I knew. Did you not feel it? Was it just me?”
“No, I felt it too. I just thought you were a player and fought it.”
“Don’t fight me anymore, okay?”
His lips quickly close the gap between his and mine. I don’t get to reply.
All of a sudden there is a huge clap of thunder and a bolt of lightening hits something not too far from us. Rain starts coming down in buckets.
He pulls me up off the ground. We laugh at how soaked we both instantly are.
And in the pouring rain, I get The. Best. Kiss. Of. My. Entire. Life.
And I’m pretty sure with this kiss, he like branded me. Seared his intials into my skin. Like bite marks from a vampire. I’m his. And I don’t think I could ever kiss anyone else.
That’s why everyone wants to do it.
“Mom, I don’t know what to do. When I’m with Aiden, I want him to be my boyfriend, when I’m with Dawson, I want him.”
“You can’t keep flip flopping like this, it’s not healthy. Are you doing more than just kissing this Dawson?”
And I don’t normally lie to my mom, but I think I have to here.
“So I will take that as a yes.”
“I was planning on not with him. I was going to wait til I figured things out. But it’s very hard not to with him. Pretend like none of this happened. Feel good, be happy. You know you prepared me for sex, told me about protection and all that, but you didn’t teach me how to protect my heart.”
“I’m pretty sure I recall telling you that sex is an emotional commitment, one that shouldn’t be taken lightly, that you should be sure when you do that with someone because once you do, you can’t take it back.”
“So where does sex just for fun come in? Come on, Mom, I know you have had to just hook up with SOMEONE.”
“Well yes, maybe I have, but wow, this is sorta hard to talk about.”
“Tell me about it. You want me to talk about it, but then you don’t want to tell me stuff. I also would like Tommy’s opinion on this. I’m really really confused about it. Like I’m thinking it’s not that big of a commitment emotionally for boys. They like it, they feel in love, they say they love you, but then when their ex calls them or when some orange fake boobed girl wants to do you in a cabana, they forget all that.”
“Kiki, we talked about this. What would you have done if it was Brooklyn, saying stuff like that to you?”
“I would do what I did, tell him to go away.”
“Yes, but you were sitting by your boyfriend at the time. What would you have said if it would have been just you?”
“I would have wanted some answers. I would have asked him how he could do that to me, when he said he loved me.”
“Maybe you should ask him now.”
“Maybe I don’t care.”
“I think you do.”
“So back to the how do you hook up without emotion. I think that’s what I am going to start doing from now on.”
“Keatyn Elizabeth. You better not. I would be very disappointed in you. More importantly, I think you would be very disappointed in yourself.”
“The god of all hotties said he’d wait. He says that when you know you are going to be with someone forever, waiting a while is not that big of a deal.”
“He sounds like a nice boy.”
“He sounds like he’s telling me what I want to hear right now. Let me talk to Tommy.”
Mom huffs, then says, “Fine. here.”
I hear Tommy’s voice say, “Hey baby, whats up?”
“Mom says you were a player when you met her. How did you have random sex with people you didn’t care about.”
“Because it felt good basically.”
OMG. Thank god. I’m normal. Because that’s why I am still doing that with Dawson. It feels good.
I hear mom in the background go, “TOMMY!”
“Well, it does feel good, and that’s why guys want to do it. That’s why everyone wants to do it. It feels good.”
“Yeah, it does.”
“But you are young, and you shouldn’t be hooking up with someone you don’t care about.”
“Why not? I think I’m gonna be a player. A slut. Have some fun.”
“Kiki. Do you really think that’s the answer? Tell me this. If you hadn’t slept with Gorgeous would what he did hurt as bad?”
“Uh, I’m not sure. Let me think. Um, no. It hurt because he told me he loved me. Which if you ask me is a pro slut argument. And good reason not to give a shit and just have fun.”
“Something tells me you are not really that kind of girl. What do you think?”
“I think I’m never falling in love again, no wait. If a boy tells me he loves me, I’m never going to believe him again. Also I’m seriously considering becoming that kind of girl.”
“I think you will change your mind about that in the future, but I agree. I think you should take things slow.”
“You and mom didn’t take things slow. It worked out. It’s no wonder I’m messed up.”
“We were adults, and we just knew, baby.”
“I just knew too.”
“Then why when you were dating and sleeping with Gorgeous, were you worrying about the hottie?”
“Tommy, you are too deep, dude.”
“Think about it and when you figure it out, we’ll talk some more.”
“I already know the answer.”
“Yes. I am love with both of them.”
“You told me when you met the hottie you instantly fell in love with him. That correct?”
“But you’re fighting it?”
“Because the boys I fall in love with hurt me. I’m two for two. Those are bad odds. Even Shark wouldn’t take bets on that.”
“Who is Shark?”
“Oh, a boy I met in detention. He’s my bookie.”
“YOU HAVE A BOOKIE? And why were you in detention? You’ve never gotten a detention in your life!”
“Uh, I didn’t mean he’s my bookie, he’s like a bookie. If I wanted to do a bet, which I don’t, he’d like be the guy to see. As for detention, the hottie god delayed me once, well, uh, twice. I was a smidge late for curfew. Then I was in a bad mood and maybe I cussed in french.”
“The hottie god was trying to tell me my lips are his bliss, but I didn’t know the french word for bliss, so I asked the teacher, and she didn’t know, and he wouldn’t tell me, and so I looked it up on my phone. I was using my phone for school purposes, and she took it and put it into phone jail. And I said merde. And then I maybe said seal.”
“Your lips are his bliss?”
“Yeah, and he put little Hershey’s Bliss candies on my bed.”
“He’s putting on the full court press.”
“Oh, that’s not even all of it.”
I tell him about all the wooing. The lunch, the clover, the points, the lights, the dances, the glass clover, the tutoring, the Eiffel tower, the car door, the french dinner, even the feather, and our mating finger clover tonight, kissing in the downpour.
“The hottie likes you. A lot, baby. Has Gorgeous done anything like that? Cuz it sounds like it’s all just sex.”
“I mean there is that, but he’s also super sweet.”
“Name one thing he has done that is super sweet.”
I was going to say he was rubbing under my sweatshirt during that one game, but maybe that falls into more of the sex category.
“He brought me breakfast in bed one morning.”
“He like walks me to class and stuff. He looks adorable when he’s waiting for my outside my dorm. He licked hot fudge off my face, invited me to the Hamptons, gave me a piggyback ride, gets me coffee, asked me out, told me he loves me, bought me a key necklace, said it was the key to his heart. Of course then two days later, he tried to give the key to someone else, but then he told me I changed the lock because her key didn’t work anymore, and he loves me. And tonight he took me to a really cool dinner and told me he is going to woo me, that he’s going to fight for me.”
“I think you already know who you like, you are just afraid to like him.”
“I’m not sure about anything anymore.”
“Give it some time, baby. Sometimes you just can’t fight fate.” (A lot of this scene was cut or split up and used in different ways in the series.)
WHAT is it with that saying?
You just can’t fight fate.
I wanna scream BULLSHIT, YES I CAN! It makes me want to fight fate. To kick fate’s ass. I want to say screw some predetermined path. I’m blazing my own trail. I just wish to hell I knew where I wanted the trail to go.
I get on the internet.
Type in “How to fight fate.”
Don’t laugh, I’m sure I’m not the only person that has attempted this feat. Maybe the only one that has attempted to ward off a god in the process, but still.
Most of what I pull up is lyrics and videos for some song from like the early 2000’s about fighting fate. I click you tube, don’t like the words, because they are not telling me what I want to hear. The singer is accepting the fact that you can’t fight fate. Isn’t there someone bold out there in the world somewhere? Someone who is brave enough to share their fight on the internet?
There is some quote in a movie about fighting fate. Not helpful.
A long abandoned Facebook page.
Maybe I need to revise my search.
I type “How I can fight fate?”
“What happens when you fight fate?”
Still no luck.
So if Aiden thinks I’m his fate, why is Dawson so compelling?
I look up problem solving on the internet, maybe I need to look at this dilemma with a more critical, logical type approach. I learn that I should try to figure out the root of my problem. Like if I was having trouble with a relationship, is it because I’ve been drinking? Because I was beaten or abused as a child? Things like that. It says you have to deal with your roots, before you can grow the plant.
Go back to my root problem.
What did I tell Mom? I would have wanted some answers. I would have asked him how he could do that to me when he said he loved me.
We know who the root is.
It’s 2:30am here, so only 11:30 on the other coast. If that’s even where he is. Should I?
I dial the number. He answers on the second ring.
“Keats! Hey, how are you?”
He sounds like we are old friends. Friends who haven’t seen each other for years.
“Uh, not so good. How bout you? You find your balance yet?”
“No. I haven’t. I’ve been wanting to call you.”
“But you haven’t.”
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
“I get now why you called me and wanted me to forgive you so you could get your inner chi back.”
“Yeah, you figured out it was the root of the problem. I just figured out it might be the root of my problem here as well.”
“What’s your problem there?”
“I met a guy.”
“I’m not sure I want to hear about this.”
“I’m not sure I wanted to watch you make out with a girl and then stand outside a cabana while you screwed her either.”
“Good point. Keep going.”
I sigh. “You hurt me. You told me you loved me, took my virginity, and turned me into a slut who thinks love is a lie.”
“You’ve been sleeping with a lot of guys?”
“No, only one. He was my boyfriend.”
“You’re not a slut, Keats. And was your boyfriend?”
“Yeah, my um, experience with you was good. I like sex. You upset me, I went straight to him, slept with him before we were in a relationship, knowing he was still hung up on his ex. We got closer, started dating, he was going to come meet my parents, and then she texted him. It was a total of about eight texts. And he ditched me, thought he would get back with her. This was after he told me he loved me about a million times and kept telling me he was over her. So my question is this. What is it about me that makes guys tell me they love me, but when their ex texts them or some faked boobed girl wants to do them in a cabana, they forget all about me? What am I doing wrong?”
“You’re not doing anything wrong, Keats. You’re just with the wrong guy.”
“I thought you were my dream guy, Brooklyn. You told me we were going to be together for a long time.”
“Did you believe me?”
“In your heart. Did you believe me? Did you feel it too? Because from my perspective, you left me first. And I think if I was really the one, you wouldn’t have ditched me for boarding school.”
“You encouraged me.”
“Yeah, cuz I love you. I knew it was what you wanted, even though I didn’t.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? If you would have told me you didn’t want me to go, I wouldn’t have.”
“Because you wanted to. You were excited. It was your path, I couldn’t let myself get in the way of that. Maybe there is a guy there that you were supposed to meet. Maybe it’s your destiny to be there. I couldn’t mess with that. Have you found him? Are you afraid to fall for him?”
“Don’t be, Keats. Do you forgive me? Do you even understand why I have been behaving the way I have? I got hurt too.”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. You know I look at you everyday. The big picture on my wall.”
“I love that. I miss you. I’m glad we’re okay now.”
“Me too, Brooklyn. Bye.”
Friday, September 30th
True love leaves a mark.
I wake up to an email from Grandpa. It’s one line.
So did you find yourself yet? Cause we haven’t heard from you.
I’m working on it. Grandpa, what’s the difference between love and true love?
He replies back immediately. I can picture him sitting at his desk, overlooking his rose bushes in the back yard.
True love leaves a mark. Sometimes with a frying pan. LOL
When did Grandpa learn what LOL is?
Grandpa, this is serious. Ask Grandma if you don’t know. And HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW?? You have been married to the same woman for 39 years!!!
True love is a crap shoot, sometimes you get lucky and hit the jackpot, sometimes you’re left wallowing drunk and broke.
You are not much help. (Grandpa steals the show in every scene he’s in.)
We get to wear Parisian looking clothes today, instead of our uniforms, so I put on the casual look Kym sent me. A pair of dark skinny jeans, black and white striped long sleeved T-shirt, red bolero jacket with thick black braided trim, black scarf, big black bag, black patent platform pumps, thick silver men’s watch, black Raybans. If I had a cup of coffee, a cigarette and a beret, I’d be set. Actually, she sent a black beret to go with it. I decided not to wear it. I’m sure everyone will have on berets.
But as I’m walking to class, I’m thinking about Grandpa’s email and wondering if true love does leave a mark. Like the way Aiden’s kiss seared my skin last night. Is that what it was? The mark of true love. Some sort of invisible hickey?
Speaking of hickeys.
Riley’s neck is covered in them.
“What? You get in a fight with a vacuum cleaner last night and lose?” I ask him.
He flips his collar up against his neck.
“You know what they say, True love leaves a mark.”
“Somehow I don’t think that’s what the great philosophers had in mind.”
He grins naughtily at me. “You should see my chest. She wrote her name in hickeys.”
“Have you slept with her yet?”
“Naw, I like her. Besides we’re having too much fun doing other stuff right now. I actually like this girl.”
And his words burned my in my brain for the rest of class. We’re having too much fun doing other stuff. That’s what I missed with Dawson. I’ve never sucked on his neck long enough to give him even one hickey. Let alone write my name on his chest. I did take things way too fast with him. And I think because I did, we can’t really start over. I can’t take it back.
I feel like I should make a public service announcement over the loud speaker in the school.
Note to all you daters out there. In spirit of this weekend’s theme, lets all embrace true romance.
Enjoy making out for hours.
Enjoy the way his lips feel on yours.
Enjoy embarrassing him with hickeys.
Enjoy him holding your hand when he shifts gears.
Enjoy the way he says your name late at night.
Enjoy the way you feel when he shows up outside your classroom to carry your back pack.
Enjoy how he licks hot fudge off your face.
Enjoy staring at the stars with him.
Enjoy feeling crazy in love.
Like you will die if you don’t see him.
Like you will die if you have to stop kissing him.
Enjoy making out in movies.
Enjoy letting him woo you.
Revel in the slow pace.
Let your relationship build.
Fall in love.
I think about what Aiden said last night too. About how when you know you are going to be together forever, waiting doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. That’s how it felt with Brooklyn. It’s how it feels with Aiden.
Where that leaves me and Dawson is something I don’t know. Dawson is like me satisfying my sweet tooth.
When I eat something rich, sugary, sweet, it tastes so good.
But when I’m done sometimes I think I shouldn’t have eaten that. It had way to many calories, so I feel guilty.
Dawson is a five layer chocolate cake with ganache filling. Impossible to resist, but leaves you feeling a little guilty after.
I need some cake.
Most of the classes today have very few people in them, most of us are working, setting up Top of the Eiffel Tower, sunset.
The cafe has been transformed with black drapes and huge canvas artwork depicting a Paris street. The artwork is really good. You can smell the croissants baking.
Outside the student center there are pink and black fabric awning put over the normal green ones. A rental company is bringing in bistro tables and chairs and sprinkling them all over campus. Each dorm has an activity or game or something. Our dorm decided something about bringing out your inner artist and we have all sorts of sidewalk chalk. And we thought it would be cute. People can write like hearts and love notes or something. Our sidewalks are already getting filled with parisian drawings, hearts, people’s initials. I look down and see a big heart. Right outside my dorm door. Inside it says, Dawson + Keatyn = forever.
And just like that, Dawson’s sweetness makes him impossible to resist. I need some cake.
So I text him.
Me: Saw the heart.
Dawson: I love you.
Me: Are you in class?
Dawson: Naw, helping Coach get all this lawn bowling stuff organized for tomorrow.
Me: Think you could sneak away?
Me: I’m craving you.
Dawson: My room, as fast as you can get there.
There are a lot of people coming and going, so I don’t look the least bit suspicious when I sneak into the dorm. I am careful not to run into anyone in the hall. And I make it safely to his room.
He’s sitting on his bed, his shirt off. He is so freaking hot. And the second I walk through the door, he is up and has me pinned against the back of it. He’s kissing me, pulling off my jacket, my scarf, kissing my neck.
“Did you see your brother’s neck today?”
“Did you see my brother’s stomach today?”
“We’ve never done that. Given each other hickeys.”
“You’ve given me a couple little ones before.”
“I think I ruined us when I took things too fast.”
“You think we’re ruined?” He backs away from me.
“Not like ruined, like we missed out on all that. The wooing, the dating, the kissing for hours, all that.”
“Is that what you want? Shall I write Dawes across your stomach. I’ll do that before the next game. When you wear that little half top you’d have my name blazed across. Maybe I could put my number on your back too.”
“Okay, fine. Come here.” He pulls me onto his bed on top of him. “Were just going to make out. That’s it. So don’t get any of your naughty ideas.”
We kiss and kiss and kiss for about fifteen minutes. But I’m laying on top of him, and as our kissing gets deeper, both our hips start that little movement toward each other. That movement that I’m going to fight today.
“Keatie, baby, you gotta stop that.”
“Every time you kiss me, you like move your hips into me, you’re like practically humping my leg, and you keep making those sexy little noises. I don’t know how much more I can take.”
“Thats cuz you keep pushing my butt into your leg and moving it against me.”
I roll off him. Lay next to him. Wrap both my arms up around my head. It pulls my shirt up off my waist. He puts one big hand on my exposed skin.
I moan, then sigh. Try to shake this desire. “Remember, we’re just going to kiss. We’re just going to kiss.”
He runs his hand down across my back, undoes my jeans, pushes them down my legs, pulls my back in toward him, and thrusts himself towards me. I use my feet to kick my jeans the rest of the way off.
“I don’t think that’s gonna happen,” he whispers.
Then he’s pulling off my thong. I’m trying to undo his belt, finally get it undone, unzip his shorts, pull down the front of his boxers. When I do, he’s so hard, it like springs out at me. He flips me over, holds my hands down above my head with one hand, sliding his shorts and boxers off with the other. Then he grins at me and says “We’re just gonna kiss.” I wrap my legs around his waist and say, “Yeah, we’ll just kiss.” And pull him towards me.
Dawson may not touch my soul, but the parts he does touch, he makes feel really good. (And this is part of his pull on her.)
We get dressed, Dawson says, “I’m starved. Lets go get lunch.”
We’re sitting at the lunch table, probably looking way too happy. Bryce says, “So what’s going on with you two? Like I saw the it’s complicated thing, but then I heard you had a date with Aiden.”
“We’re allowed to date other people.”
“So are you still hooking up?”
Dawson says, “Um, we decided for now, we’re just gonna kiss.”
“Yeah,” I say with a goofy smile, “just kiss.”
And he squeezes my hand under the table.
My phone makes a little email ding. I have a message from Grandma.
Grandpa says you want to know the difference between love and true love. Joan Crawford said this, “Love is a fire, but whether its going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.”
And I think Joan was very profound.
Dawson is walking with me to class. “Do you believe in true love?”
“Uh, I think so, why?”
“Like do you think you just know?”
“Like love at first sight? All this french romance stuff going to your head, Keatie?”
“Was our um, just kissing romantic?”
I look at him, like seriously.
“Okay, so it probably wasn’t romantic. It was hot. Sexy. That’s what all this is about, huh? The romance? We have the sex, but not the romance? Wasn’t last night romantic?”
“Last night, dinner was romantic. I loved that place. I’d like to go back. And I loved that you made me dance with you. Even though it was sorta embarrassing.”
“So tonight you’re mine, right?”
“I think already was yours.”
He laughs, “Naw, we just kissed.” The he kisses me and smacks my butt toward French class. “Six thirty. Be ready.”
Uh, yeah, just kiss.
I do have to go to French class. We are working on organizing all the picnic baskets. Everyone had to pre-order them, then a local specialty grocery store put them all together. They also sent us some smaller basic ones to sell before the movie starts. That’s what Aiden and I will be doing Saturday night. Everyone is supposed to pick up their food an hour or two before sunset. Then they are supposed to go put a blanket down on the field, pick their spot for the movie, eat. There is going to be French music playing over the loudspeaker during this time. Everyone is really excited for this part.
Aiden says, “So tonight?”
“Um, tonight, I have to hang out with Dawson, but I’m yours all day tomorrow if you want.”
Bryce told me you and Dawes decided you’re just gonna kiss for now.”
I blush. Look down, hope he didn’t notice.
“Uh, yeah. Just kiss.”
I don’t want to lie to Aiden, so I add, “Well, we’re going to try.”
He narrows his eyes at me and says, “So you might not succeed?”
“We’re going to try. I don’t want to sleep with him,” is what I say.
I just can’t help it, is what I don’t say.
“I don’t like this.”
“This basket?” I ask.
“No, this dating me one night and him the next. It sucks.”
“I know. I’m going to try and not drag it out.”
“Just break it off with him. After Saturday night is over, you’ll be mine anyways.”
“What do you mean?
“I think they have this under control. Come over to the my dorm. I want to show you our decoration. It should be up now.”
And I’m thinking uh, I was just over at your dorm, but yeah, I don’t say that.
“Okay, cool,” I say like an airhead.
He holds my hand, and I can see this big cardboard thing. “Is that what I think it is?”
He laughs, and his eyes are bright. “Yep, we built the Eiffel tower.”
“What did you make it out of? It’s so tall!”
I do, and see that it is made out of pop and beer cases all glued together. No, make that duct taped together. It seems a little odd seeing Coca Cola and Bud Light blazed across the sides of the Eiffel tower. But still.
It’s like an advertiser’s wet dream.
“That’s amazing. Very cool. How did you ever come up with that?”
He stops me at the base of it. Holds both of my hands, facing me. “I wanted to make it for you.”
And at the exact same time, we leaned in, still holding each other’s hands down at our sides and kissed. It felt so natural. No guy pulling me toward him. Is was so right. All about us. Our magnetic pull.
And I think I need to get serious about my diet. (The French weekend where they build an Eiffel Tower doesn’t happen until much later in the series. Instead of asking Keatyn to Homecoming, he asks her to Winter Formal. I had to keep them apart even longer.)
How do you say fuck off in French?
With Dawson, getting ready to go inside for our first part of tonight. The french dinner in the cafe. The dinner is our kick off to the evening. The cafe has totally be transformed by the art and theater department. There are little votives burning on each table. A few wine bottles with candle coming out of them, the fake Paris walls up lit. The smell of the food. It’s really good.
I’m wearing a cute little black tulle skirt with a wide black silky belt, pink tank top, black sequined ballet flats, a pink, black, and white crystal necklace. My hair is pulled back into a sleek ponytail held by a black pouf of tulle.
Dawson and I just standing there taking it all in.
Dallas walks up to me, puts his closed fist out in front of me. Like he wants me to open my hand and let him put something in it, or he wants me to guess what’s in it.
I says, “What?”
He bugs his eyes out at me, I hold my palm up to his hand.
“I’m pretty sure these are yours,” he grins and drops an orange lace thong into my hand.
“Where’d you find this?”
“Ha! I knew they were yours! You wore these when we were in the limo. I recognized that little daisy charm on the very back. You don’t see that very often.”
“Yeah, where did you find those?” Dawson grins. I can tell he is trying to think of where we might have left them.
“At the cave.”
My eyes get big. “Oh.” I say quietly and totally look guilty. “Uh thanks.” And shove them into my little pink clutch. “Wow, this looks really great! Let’s go eat!”
We get our food and sit down at a table. Dawson hasn’t said a word.
Finally he says, “You gonna even attempt to explain why your panties were at the cave?” (Oh, she’s in trouble now!)
“We’ve always been honest with each other right? I mean except for the Peyton thing?”
“Okay, I’m going to tell you exactly what happened. And it’s one hundred percent the truth.”
He nods at me to go on.
“The other night after the JV game, I met Aiden at the cave.”
His eyes get big, and his anger swells.
“Let me finish before you get all pissed, okay? He wanted to show me the clover thing, it was not a big deal, but it had been raining, and I sat on a stump and my underwear and my sweats got all wet on the back. Aiden had on gym shorts under his sweats, so he took them off and let me have them.”
“How does a thong get wet when you sit down?”
“I don’t know, but it’s kinda one of those that’s thicker in the back, and I sorta leaned onto the stump, and I don’t know, but it was wet. I was embarrassed. He turned around, didn’t even try to look, and I changed. Then it started pouring, and we wrapped it all up in the sleeping bag he brought to sit on and ran back to the dorms soaking wet. It must have fallen out.”
He is shaking his head. He doesn’t believe me.
“That sounds like bullshit. Let me guess, you just kissed?”
“Yes. Oh, not like that. Like we actually JUST kissed. And not for very long because it started pouring.”
“Uh huh, sure. I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. How do you say fuck off in French?”
Aiden who is standing behind him says, “Casse-toi, but she’s telling the truth.”
“Yeah well, Cassy Twa to both of you.”
And he marches away.
Aiden says, “Hell, if I woulda known that would work, I woulda stole some of your panties and hung them in my football locker.”
“It’s really not funny.” I tell him.
“I’ll sit and eat dinner with you.”
“Uh, no. We’re hanging out tomorrow.”
Aiden looks like I just threw his puppy under a bus and sulks off.
I’m sitting at the little romantic round table alone, in my adorable outfit, wishing I could tap my sparkly flats together three times and go home.
Riley wanders over, Ariela on his arm. He looks really happy, for a guy whose neck is varying shades of bruise. He looks like he was in a freaking car wreck.
I get big tears in my eyes. Try to keep them from falling.
“I gotta go.” I tell him and march quickly outside.
Tears are blurring my vision, I need to sit down, gather myself. I go to the nearest spot. The bench where Dawson first really kissed me. Put my head down into my hands and cry. For awhile.
I feel the weight of the bench shift slightly, as if someone sat down. I don’t even have to open my eyes to know it’s Dawson. I can smell him. I keep my face in my hands. I know I have mascara streaming down my face. It’s not an attractive look. Mom always wears waterproof, so she can make a tear gently trickle down her face, like during an interview, but still look amazing. I know how I look, one big black streaked mess.
He puts his arm around me, pulls me into his chest, and whispers, “I’m sorry. I believe you. This is all my fault. If I would have just been happy with you, told Peyton no, not messed things up, we wouldn’t be in this mess, would we? You wouldn’t be dating Aiden, we’d still be going out, right?”
“Yeah.” I sputter out, and then start bawling again. I’m bawling about all of it. Brooklyn. Him. Aiden. The guy I had a huge crush on during 6th grade that told me my fingers were too skinny. The guy in 8th grade that had the cutest hair but called me four eyes. The guy in 3rd grade that said I kicked like a girl. For my dad not being here. For being at a school without my family, without direction. I wanted to come here to take control of my life, to see who I’d become. And I realize I have not taken any control, and I don’t think I like who I’ve become.
Dawson says, “No relationship is perfect, Keatie. But what makes it perfect is if you still want to be there when things get really hard.”
I half laugh, half cry, “That’s the problem. I like when you get really hard.” (LOL)
“I really don’t think that’s what they meant.” He laughs. “Come here.”
He pushes my chin up toward him, says, “Oh, wow. Um, here.” Then he pulls his polo up off his stomach and uses it to wipe some of the mascara off my face. “Lets go get you cleaned up, then we’re gonna figure this all out, okay?”
I nod okay.
I get cleaned up. Tonight is pretty much over for me, and it’s only seven. “No, no,” Dawson says. “Put some makeup back on, we’re getting out of here.”
“I don’t want to go to French night.”
“Me either, I’m taking you a movie, and we’re gonna laugh our asses off. Have fun. Have a real date.”
I throw my arms around him and start crying again. “I can’t take you to the movies bawling.” He looks perplexed. I’m sure growing up with three brothers, he is not used to this.
“Okay, let’s talk first, figure this out, get all the crying out, and then we’ll go see a movie if you want. You want honesty, right?”
I bite my lip and nod my head.
“I love sex with you. It makes me feel amazing. I’ve told you that. I feel like I’m in love with you. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t feel it. And obviously, I didn’t tell you just to get you into bed. There was no reason for me to tell you. On the other hand, do I think you are my one true love. I don’t know. You helped me, healed me. I feel grateful. But remember that first night at the cave, you told us Aiden like spoke to your soul or something?”
“I don’t know if we’re soul mates. I don’t even know how you know that. Do you?”
“I don’t think I believe in soul mates or true love anymore.” (I really do like how honest they are with their feelings here. Regardless of what you think of Dawson, you have to appreciate this about him. He’s a good guy.)
“Yeah, you do. I know you. Under all that sexy is a true romantic.”
“I mean I want that. Doesn’t everyone want that? The idea of that special someone made just for them.”
“So what should we do?”
“What do you want to do?”
“Honestly, I can’t wait to graduate and go to college.”
“That makes me sad.”
“I don’t know if we’re soul mates, but we’re gonna be friends for a very long time. I wasn’t lying when I said you’ve become my best friend. I’ll give up the sex if I have to, but I don’t want to give up that.”
“Do you want to give up the sex?”
“Hell no. Do you?”
“Well it complicates things, but no, I really don’t want to. You make me feel really good, like I think you know how attracted I am to you. I’ve done stuff with you, I never thought I would do. But lately, I do feel a little guilty about it. Should we feel guilty about it?”
“As long as we’re both single, no we shouldn’t feel guilty. And you have to know, I’d go out with you again, if you’d have me, but I think you like Aiden. You probably need to figure that out before we go out again?”
“Kinda, but I don’t want to let you go.”
“I’m not going anywhere, and there’s no one here I want to date. So, we’ll see how it goes, and I’ll try my best not to be a jealous idiot. It helps knowing you’re not sleeping with him.”
“I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him for a very long time.”
“I’m a life lesson, huh?”
I laugh, “Sorta. But I love life lessons.” And I kiss him.
And then we kiss some more.
I’ll have her screaming in ecstasy.
We went to a movie, came home, made curfew. I’m sitting in my room with all the girls. Getting updated on everyone’s nights. Ace fed Annie something tonight, and she was all how adorable is he? And we all agreed. They are all in love with someone. Bryce asked Mallory to homecoming tonight and she said yes. Annie is already going with Ace, Maggie had a date with Jake tonight. They apparently kissed and it was ah-mazing. Like she can’t even believe how hot he is. I’m pretty sure he will ask her to homecoming as well. But Katie still does not have a date. She’s telling us about Carson.
“He just says we’ll all go in a big group, it will be fun.”
And I decide to actually pay it forward. I know Dallas has a crush on Katie. And I know she thinks he is adorable. I can’t keep him for myself any longer, it’s not fair to him. So I text him.
Me: You gonna ask anyone to homecoming?
Dallas: Prolly not 🙁 Wanna go with me?
Me: How bout we get you a real date? Like someone that has been crushing on you since school started, but I was jealous and didn’t tell you and wanted to keep you for myself sorta.
Dallas: Scandalous 🙂 Do tell. If you say Katie, I may wet myself with joy.
Me: It’s Katie. She was hanging with Carson, but he says he doesn’t want a date.
Dallas: Must be gay. Call me. Then make her talk to me.
Me: Uh, okay. What are you gonna say?
Dallas: First I’m gonna ask her if she wants to be my picnic date for tomorrow night. Then if she puts out, I’ll ask her to HC.
Me: DALLAS!!!! >:(
Dallas: Aw, cool your orange panties and call me, I’m just kidding. I think she’s cool. I won’t try anything, but, if she attacks me, I will NOT resist :p
I call Dallas, we chat, I go uh huh a lot, and finally hand the phone to Katie. “Hey, Dallas wants to talk to you.”
She goes, “Uh huh,”
Then, “No, I don’t.” Big eyes. Points to the phone. Big smile.
“Sounds fun. Okay. Bye.”
“AAAAHHHHHH!!!!! HE ASKED ME TO GO TO FRENCH MOVIE NIGHT WITH HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
I hug her.
Me: She’s screaming in joy.
Dallas: I’ll have her screaming in ecstasy 😉
Me: You are SO bad!
Dallas: Speaking of bad. Dawson got mad about the panties? I figured you were with him, he’d laugh. I didn’t even think you were out there taking off your lacy orange thong for Aiden. So you doing both of them now?
Me: It had rained, my sweats were all wet, he had shorts on under his sweats, let me change. I dropped them when we ran because it started lightening and pouring. And no, me and Aiden are only kissing. Me and Dawson too now. Well, trying to.
Dallas: Going for the love god huh?
Me: Hottie god. Hey tell Riley, your room at 10:30 if we wanna hang out.
I lay in my bed and snuggle up with my pillow. My sheets smell like Dawson. Like his cologne. It makes me miss him. I text him.
Me: My sheets smell like you.
Dawson: My sheets always smell like you. I miss you already.
Me: It feels like we broke up.
Dawson: We already did that. We’re starting over kinda, remember?
Me: Do you ever wish you had a crystal ball, so you could look in it and see who you are supposed to end up with? It would make life so much easier.
Dawson: But think of the things you would miss along the way.
Me: You don’t picture us married someday, sitting together on the beach, 4 adorable dark hair boys playing in sand along side us and a dog named Peyton?
Dawson: Actually I could picture that. But we’d have to have a couple adorable girls like you. And definitely love the dog’s name 🙂 But I have five more years of school to get through. Who knows what will happen. I do love you though.
Me: I love you too. Where do you want to go to college? Like far away or somewhere not too far?
Dawson: Maybe Columbia with my bro, not sure. But somewhere on the East coast for sure. Close enough for you to visit me 🙂
Me: Night Dawes <3
Saturday, October 2nd
If only it were that easy.
Saturday morning I woke up feeling, well, hopeful. I don’t know where things will end up with Dawson, but I feel like we’ll be okay. We went to a movie last night and did laugh and laugh. He held the car door for me and wrapped his arm around me in the movie theater.
Kissed me in the car before he dropped me off, but we let it not get too out of hand.
I was sorta rude to Aiden last night. And he has really been trying. I felt like maybe I owed him an apology.
So I texted him. This is what was said.
Me: I’m sorry if I was rude to you last night. I was upset and ready to start crying. And even though he hurt me, I don’t want to hurt Dawson.
Aiden: Saw you two leaving in his car last night. What happened?
Me: We talked. Figured some things out. Went to a movie so we could laugh.
Aiden: You’re mine today, still, right?
Aiden: I hope.
Me: I suck at lawn bowling.
Aiden: It’ll be fun. We’ve been practicing all week after football lol
Me: So what time?
Aiden: Lunch first? I hear they are serving french onion soup, and those french ham and cheese things you were going on about.
Me: I signed us up for the cooking class.
Me: Tee hee 🙂
Aiden: I’ll pick you up at 12:30 🙂
Now, I’m lazily sprawled out on my stomach across Dallas’ bed. He’s sitting on the floor in front of me, and I’m running my hands through his hair. Giving him a scalp massage. (Love their lazy weekend mornings together.)
The way he’s groaning, you’d think I was massaging something else.
Riley barrels through the door, laden with bags and a tray of coffee drinks. It smells wonderfully, especially since all the boys room’s seem to smell an oddly compelling combination of Axe body wash and dirty socks.
“I’m next in the massage chair,” he says as he sets down the tray.
“I better get massaged then too.”
Riley raises his eyebrows at me, “Yeah, that’s what we want to hear about, who’s been massaging you?”
I throw a napkin at him, but it falls shamefully to the floor in front of him. He bounds across the bed on top of me and starts tickling me. Holding my arms down, tickling my sides. I’m laughing and screaming at the same time. “Stop, stop. I give up.”
“If only it were that easy,” he comments.
“So, Dallas has a hot date tonight with Katie, everyone KNOWS who you’re dating, beings it’s tattooed across your chest.”
“It’s going away, but I’m thinking about asking her out. What do you think?”
Dallas says, “She’s cute, seems to be pretty into you. You haven’t made out with anyone else in like a week or more, might as well.”
“So what about you, Kiki? You into my brother or Aiden these days?”
“Both,” Dallas replies for me.
“How’s that working out?”
“Uh, last night I bawled, Dawes got mad at me, but then we made up. I don’t know. I really care about him, but Aiden like enthralls me. But Dawson turns me on big time. So it’s hard to choose and for right now, I’m not going to. Dawson and I are sorta trying to start over dating, and Aiden and I are just seeing what might happen. Who knows? You two are supposed to be psychic or whatever, what’s gonna happen?”
“It doesn’t really matter, as long as we stay close. The three of us.”
“Yeah,” Dallas says, “we’ll always have each other’s backs. Right?”
“Right,” I say happily.
Like I said, anything.
I’ve been rushing around trying to get ready. I’m in my closet pulling on an adorable pale pink skirt with black trim and embroidery, when there is knock on my dorm room door. Knowing it’s one of the girls, I pull it open. But instead, standing there in my doorway is Aiden. Looking every bit the god in a deep green polo shirt and khaki pants. I do notice that the deep green shirt makes his eyes so green they practically glow, but I’m looking shocked at what he’s holding in his hand. An adorable bouquet of the palest pink and white flowers, pale pink roses, pale mini pink hydrangeas, white sweetheart roses, lily of the valley, dusty pink peonies.
And I want to about die. No boy has ever giving me flowers! Like he bought me that little corsage, but not like a whole bouquet!
I stare at them, thinking how pretty they are. “Are those flowers for me!?”
He grins. “Yeah, they look like they kinda match your skirt. And your bra.”
“Oh shit!” I throw my hand across my chest. “Uh, hang on,” I yell and run in the closet, throw on my pink cashmere tank and cardigan sweater that goes with it. Walk back out, rolling my eyes at myself, embarrassed.
“I liked what you had on before, but it’d probably cause a riot on the boules field.”
He grins, looks me up and down, like a very typical boy and says, “Do you always answer your door in your bra? Because I think I’m going to have to come up here more often.”
“I thought you were one of the girls.”
“Here,” he hands me the bouquet. I put it on my desk. Smell them. Walk back over to him and straight up to his face, wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.
And if I were him, I’d probably think I was a partial god too. It was that good of a kiss.
We walk hand in hand to the cafe.
“Why don’t I go get lunch, while you get coffees?”
“Yeah, that sounds good.”
“Oh, and that table over there, with the Reserved sign on it, that’s ours.”
He thinks of everything. Seriously.
I get us two Café au laits and a couple little fruit tarts for dessert and sit at our table. He comes out with our Croque Monsieurs that look really pretty authentic. We sit in the sun and pretend we are in Paris. I make him speak to me in French, give up and try speaking to him in French, see if he can decipher what I say. He does better with that task. It feels sorta surreal to actually be out on a real date with Aiden, like sitting out here in front of everyone. A few people flit by and say hey on the way to the playing fields and the art show. I even see Dawson walking with Jake and Ace, happily munching chocolate filled croissants.
Aiden won his men’s lawn bowling competition, and I sucked the field up enough that we were out of our couples competition by the second round.
“How can someone so athletic suck so bad at lawn bowling?” he teases me.
“I’m better at croquet. We shoulda chose that.”
He gently touches my waist with his hand, and I lean in toward him. “I don’t care if you suck. I’d play anything with you.”
“Maybe I wanna play a kissing game.”
“Like I said, anything,” and he kisses me. A lips touching powerful kiss. I keep thinking the more I am around him, the more I kiss him, the less power his lips will have on me, but it seems to be the opposite, like my kisses are making him stronger. The more my lips touch his, the more powerful the kisses become.
Maybe more meaningful.
He looks at the side of my head, puzzled, hooks my hair behind my ear. “You’re wearing just one feather earring, huh?”
“Well I didn’t know if you always have your back pack readily available or not, so you know, I thought just in case you needed something like that tonight.”
He looks at his watch. “Hold that thought, Boots. It’s time to go to work.”
“No, you get to go to work. I have to go change real quick. I’ll meet you there.” (A lot of this is different, so get ready for it. You’re almost to the end of the first draft, and you’ll get to read the alternate ending. You’re going to find out if when I planned the series, if I planned for her to end up with Aiden or Brooklyn. Compared to the way the story ends in the published version, this seems a little anticlimactic now, but it’s still sweet. So, here you go…)
The sun is starting to set.
I run back to my dorm, touch up my makeup, brush out my hair. It had straightened it this morning, but it’s humid out, and my hair has turned all wavy. It doesn’t look bad though, I add some styling balm, work it through the waves to soften them. Then i put on my dress for tonight.
It’s a strapless black ruffled tulle dress. Around my neck, instead of a necklace, I wear a black satin ribbon choker. I look at the pink flowers Aiden gave me, grab one of the big pink roses and pin it to the choker. Add some pale pink sandals and head over to the football field.
Aiden is handing out picnic baskets when he sees me. Stops dead in his tracks. Holds my eyes. Leaves the baskets almost in a trance, never breaking our eye contact, walks over to me, grabs my hands in his. “Wow. You look so beautiful.”
“The flower made the outfit,” I smile.
“Come on, beautiful, we have to do some work.”
So we work, handing out everyone’s picnic baskets. The turnout for the movie is fantastic. Like everyone is here. People are wandering around, talking, blowing bubbles, holding hands, kissing some. Uh, well if you don’t count Riley and Ariela, who is apparently trying to eat his face.
It’s one of those things were you really do wanna yell, Get a room.
Dallas shows up with Katie. She looks adorable in a teeny floral print dress. Dallas is holding her hand, and they look ADORABLE together. Like seriously.
Peyton comes up and talks to me and Aiden. She’s kinda giggly.
“Why do you seem so giggly?”
“Brad just asked me to homecoming!”
I hug her, “That’s awesome.”
“So what’s going on with you and my brother?”
“I’m his date tonight.”
“I was his date last night.”
“I see. How’s that gonna work out?”
“I think maybe it’s gonna be okay.”
“Well, that’s good. This really turned out cool. You know I kinda thought it would be lame, til my brother decided it was his mission in life to impress you.”
His mission in life to impress me?
Aiden waves at this sis, grabs my hand and says, “The sun is starting to set. Come on!”
“Where are we going? Aren’t we going to do the picnic and watch the movie?”
“Yeah, we just have to do something else first.”
He drags me quickly over to his dorm, past the cardboard Eiffel Tower and up the stairs, down the third floor hallway and into someone else’s dorm room. He lets go of my hand, walks to the window and says, “Look. The sun is setting.”
And I was like, “Uh, cool.”
Then he sings to me, one of our songs about how he has faith in us and to put my hand in his.
I take his hand and smile. “Hey, that’s one of our songs. From the 29 song playlist. I had never heard it before. Now it’s like my favorite.”
“What’s the rest of it?” He gazes at me, and I’m caught in a moment. The sun is setting behind him, and I know I will remember this moment for the rest of my life. I’m not sure what’s going to happen up here, but I can feel it.
I smile at him and say, sorta sing, “Our love is a sure thing.”
He pulls me toward the window, opens it, and says, “Look down.”
I stick my head out the window, look down see that we are basically standing on top of the Eiffel Tower they made.
“Top of the Eiffel Tower, sunset,” I murmur as he moves behind me and wraps his arms around my waist, my back nestling gently against his chest. We can both watch the sunset now.
He speaks into my ear. “Go to Homecoming with me.”
“I don’t know.”
“Look, you don’t have a date, I don’t have a date. I know you’re still not sure about Dawson, and I get that he hurt you. I get that you think you loved him. I get that he wants you back. But maybe there’s someone who wouldn’t ditch you when his ex wants him back, maybe there’s someone that thinks he’s in love with you. Maybe there’s someone who fell madly in love with you when you kicked a soccer ball past him while you were wearing boots. Maybe there’s someone out there who’s better for you. Someone who wants to ask you to marry him in France someday. At the top of the Eiffel tower, at sunset.”
And what can you do when a god looks you straight in the eye above a pop and beer can box Eiffel Tower and asks you to Homecoming?
You kiss him and say yes.
So, that’s it. My first version of the series. Rough. Different. Mixed up. But at the core, the same story of Aiden and Keatyn’s love. I hope you enjoyed it, because I am probably dying of literary embarrassment.